Top 5 Episode III: Top Five-o-rama

Okay, I am going to change things up a little bit.  Instead of doing one in depth top five, i am going to do 3 not-in-depth top fives.  

First up: Top 5 books I have recently read.  These are not necessarily new books to me, in fact one of them is an old favorite.  Also, a few of these (Read: All of them) i have listened to in audio form while I was at work instead of actually reading the book.  *SHAMELESS PLUG WARNING* Audible.com is a website that offers audio books for download to your smart phone type thingys so you can easily listen to them whenever.  I use it all the time.  

Number 5: "Redshirts" By John Scalzi, read by Wil Wheaton.

Number 4: "Snow Crash" By Neal Stephenson, read by Johnathan Davis.  Not the guy from Korn.  Some other guy.

Number 3: "Tough Shit" by Kevin Smith read by Kevin Smith.  

Number 2: "The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy" by Douglas Addams. read by Stephen Fry.  This one is the classic that i was talking about above.  So far all of the other books were first time reads (or listens i guess).

Number 1, with a bullet: "Ready Player One" by Ernest Cline, read by Wil Wheaton.

"Ready Player One" is awesome.  I am so glad that i picked it up.  It follows the story of Wade Watts a.k.a.Parzival (sic), who spends his free time searching for a legendary easter egg in a fully subversive VR game called "The Oasis".  In the first chapter of the book you find out that the recently deceased creator of "The Oasis" has left his entire inheritance and controlling stake of "The Oasis" and it's parent company GSS hidden somewhere in the game's immensely huge universe.  The novel, and the search for the egg itself, are chock full of video game, 80s pop culture, science fiction, and musical references.  Seriously, go here and check out the full list of things referenced in the book.  

Next: Top 5 Albums I have listened to this week.  Besides listening to audio books at work, I also listen to music.  *SHAMELESS PLUG WARNING* I use Spotify.com to listen to whatever I want at work.  They have a HUGE streaming music library that you can use with your smart phone if you are a premium member.  The only downside: not enough underground metal.  Some of the smaller metal labels do not offer their music to spotify for streaming, which makes Jeff sad.  And of course, bands like Metallica, The Beatles, and Led Zeppelin also do not offer their music.  But hey, I'll pay ten bucks a month for everything else on the planet.  

Number 5: "Periphery II: This Time, It's Personal" by Periphery 

Number 4: "Pinkerton Special Edition" by Weezer

Number 3: "A Night At The Opera" by Queen

Number 2:  "Ghosts I-IV" By Nine Inch Nails.  Some of the tracks from this album were modified and used for the Social Network soundtrack.  Atticus Ross collaborated with Trent Reznor on this album.  Good music to work to.  

Number 1, with a bullet:  "Scurrilous" "Fortress" and "Kezia" by Protest the Hero. 

CAUTION: PROGRESSIVE HEAVY METAL!  LISTEN AT HIGH VOLUMES ONLY!

Sweet 'stache.

I grouped all three of these records together because i can.  So there.  Protest the Hero are one of my favorite bands, and i love all of their records.  They write very complex, very technically advanced songs.  They also rock your face off live.  I have never seen a band play more proficiently live (maybe one, and that was Periphery.  I just talked about them up there.)  Their singer Rody has an amazing voice, and he uses it like an instrument.  Instead of just growling and screaming or just plain singing, he mixes all of his abilities into a heavy dose of jazzy, growling, crooning, screamy (not a word), vocals.  I picked this video because who can say no to technically advanced odd time signature prog metal while the band is hopping down the street like a bunch of idiots? Not me, that's who.

Next up: Top 5 Podcasts.  Okay, so by now it is obvious that i consume a massive amount of media each week while sitting at my work bench.  Podcasts, for those of you who are uninitiated, are self produced recordings of conversations, interviews, and discussions that you can listen to.  It's kind of like talk radio, but for very specific audiences, and hosted by experts/actors/comedians.  Hard to explain, but very cool.  

Number 5: "How did this get made?" hosted by Paul Sheer, Jason Mantzoukas, and June Dianne Raphael.  They discuss terrible movies.  I mean really terrible.  Some of the movies featured: The Room, Batman and Robin, Jaws 4, and Judge Dredd.  Not all of these are un-enjoyable, but all of them are terrible.

Number 4: "The Nerdist" Hosted by Chris Hardwick, Jonah Ray and Matt Mira.  They feature interviews with all sorts of people from many different backgrounds.  Actors, comedians, scientists, and the like.  They mostly focus on things that people can nerd out about.  Very funny, and very cool to see so many different guests. 

Number 3:  "Good Job Brain" hosted by Karen, Colin, Dana, and Chris, a bar trivia team.  A weekly bar trivia themed podcast featuring quizzes, fun facts, obscure knowledge, and other fun topics.  All around a fun listen, and right up my alley.

Number 2: "Wait Wait, Don't Tell Me" hosted by Peter Sagel and Carl Kasell.  Wait Wait is a weekly NPR news quiz.  They record most weeks out of Chicago, and they feature panelists like Paula Poundstone, Mo Rocca, Roy Blount Jr. and Tom Bodett.  They basically go over the weeks most interesting news stories and have a good laugh while they are at it.

Number 1, with a bullet: "Hollywood Babble on" Hosted by Ralph Garman.  

Bigger than Liam Neeson's cock.

If you are unfamiliar with the work of Kevin Smith, i should at least warn you, he uses a lot of naughty words.  So listen at your own risk.  Kev Smith and Ralph Garman go over the weeks entertainment news, celebrity gossip and geek news.  They talk about upcoming movies that will suck, shit that should not be (very obvious continuity goofs, background oddities, and equipment goofs in very popular movies), Hollywood helpers (Actors and other famous people who have done a good deed that week), and of course, Liam Neeson's cock.  They end every show with a segment about Liam Neeson's mythically large member.   I know that sounds weird, but it is really funny.  For example:  Liam Neeson's cock is soooo big...(How big is it?) it's the reason Apple introduced the panoramic camera on the iPhone 5... Okay, so maybe it doesn't read that well, but stupid dick and fart jokes make the day go by so fast at work.  And if there is anything Kevin Smith is good at, it is stupid dick and fart jokes.

So there you go.  That is what i listen to all day while i am re-padding your clarinets and replacing your flute's head joint cork *SHAMELESS PLUG WARNING* at the beautiful new Quinlan and Fabish location in Bur Ridge, Illinois.  Quinlan and Fabish, your trusted partner in music education since 1959. 

-J.

Top 5 Episode II: Video Games (Kind of)

Trying to pick out my top five video games of all time is not an easy task.  So I'm not going to do that.  Instead, i am going to go over my top five favorite video game moments/ memories/ characters/ songs.  It's a very abstract list. 

Number 5: All of the music from The first three Mega-Man games

Check out the super sweet cover art from Mega-Man I, drawn by someone who had never, ever, actually played the game.

The Mega-Man series of video games holds a very special place in my heart, especially the first three.  They were some of the most challenging games that i played as a young man.  For those of you who may have never played any of these games, Mega-Man was a robot who fought bad robots.  At the end of every level, you had to beat a boss robot who had special weapons and more powerful attacks. Once you defeated a boss, you were then able to use their specific weapon later in the game.  The only way to beat these bosses easily was to use the correct weapon on them.  So what made the game a challenge was the trial and error needed to find out each bosses weakness so that you could go to the final stage.  Believe me, trying to find out a bosses weakness without the Internet is an unrelenting  nightmare. 

My favorite intro.

What made these games so fun was the amazing soundtrack that looped in the background as you made your way through the different stages.  Each stage had a different theme, and they were all catchy as hell.  They got your blood going.  The songs were written using the NES' limited sound capabilities, but they were still very well composed.  And they had to be.  The songs created a loop that would play in the background while you ran a level, and as i said before, there was quite a bit of trial and error involved, so you ended up listening to the songs many times over.  I never got tired of them.  To this day, i still listen to the original 8-bit soundtrack in my free time. 

One of my favorite level themes, Airman, from Mega-Man 2

Number 4: Halo Multiplayer LAN parties

A LAN party (LAN stands for Local Area Network a.k.a. a bunch of computers hooked up together) is when a bunch of people get together with a bunch of linked computers or video game consoles and all play the same game together.  Unlike playing multiplayer online with players from anywhere in the world, LAN parties allowed you the opportunity to enjoy your friends immediate company.  What made this such a fun time was the competitive spirit it generated and the good sportsmanship of your close friends.   Just kidding.  What made this fun was shooting your friend in the face from across the map, and then yelling "SUCK IT!" at the top of your lungs even though he is sitting right next to you.  What made it fun was throwing a sticky grenade at your roommate and having it stick directly on his face, watching him explode, and then repeatedly crouching over his lifeless body (This was done to symbolize superiority.  Some people say that it represented defecating on your opponent.  We always just called it "tea bagging").  

Really insanely lucky grenade throw.  This would have inspired much yelling.

Some of my fondest memories of college happened at what we liked to call "Halo Night".  We would all get together and drink beers and shoot at each other and call each other names.  All in good fun of course.  My favorite moment of all time involved a guy nicknamed Mars.  Mars was not the greatest player, but he sure tried hard.  I'm not going to get into the specifics of how the game works, but i will sum it up: Accidentally kill your team mate= -1 point.  Accidentally kill yourself= -1 point.  Kill an enemy= +1 point.  The match began with Mars shooting a team mate in the head, throwing a grenade at the ground that may or may not have killed another team member, followed by him immediately jumping over the edge of the bridge he was walking on and falling to his death.  All within 2 seconds of game time.  As my friend P-Cock would say: "Ready, Go! You're losing."  This caused mass hysteria at the time, bringing the game to a halt as we all laughed uncontrollably.  I actually had to stop typing for a minute because i was chuckling to myself about it.

Not mentioned, but still included in this entry: Golden Eye split screen multiplayer, Mario Party, Old school Tetris and Dr Mario tournaments, and last but not least, Marvel Ultimate Avengers (MOOOOOOOON  NIIIIIIIIIGHT!)

Praise be to Khonshu!

Number 3: Scoring my first 100% FC on Guitar Hero

The first time i ran into Guitar Hero, it changed my life.  I'm sure that most of you know what Guitar Hero is, but for those that don't: Guitar Hero is a rhythm based video game that uses a small plastic guitar as it's controller.  It has five buttons on the neck that represent notes, and a strum bar that represents strumming the strings.  To play a note, you hold down one of the buttons, and strum the strum bar.  Sounds easy?  It is not.  

Bark at the moon from Guitar Hero 1.

The general mechanics are very similar to playing a real guitar and fairly easy to learn, but getting a high score or beating an intricate song are a little tougher.  Their are many things you can do to improve your score, but the most important of them all is to keep your multiplyer at it's highest level by playing perfectly.  If you were to play all of the notes in a song, but over strum once, and you break your combo, reducing your score.  If you were to play every note in a song and not break your combo, you would receive 100% on the song and it would be called an FC, or full combo.  

The first song that i played perfect was Stellar by Incubus.  I was the first one of all my friends to do so on any song, and i was immensely proud of myself.  I took a picture of the screen to prove that i had done it, and for future bragging rights.  I had caught the bug.  I started trying to raise my score on every song in the game.  After a couple months, i was hands down the best guitar hero player out of all my friends.  I started competing at amateur levels, and found that i was way better than most of those people too.  And i didn't stop there.  Soon games were offering drum peripherals to play drum parts.  After a bit of practice, i found that i was really good at that too.  I began the immediate domination of all of my friends high scores across multiple games and platforms, and started putting up top 200 in the nation scores on Scorehero.com, a high score posting site.  I was very proud of my abilities.  And then this happened.

That is IamChris4Life a.k.a. Chris Chike's 100% FC run of Through the Fire And Flames from Guitar Hero 3.  It is insanely hard, and it last for 8 minutes.  He was one of the first people to beat the song outright, and the first person to 100% the song. In one 8 minute video, IamChris4Life destroyed everyone elses scores and became the first true guitar hero, at least in my little corner of the Internet.   I decided that no matter how good i got, i would never be this good.  My ego deflated a little bit, but i still can beat just about any takers on both guitar and drums.  So if you are feeling lucky, you can challenge me whenever you like.  Come at me, bro.

Number 2: Link, from the Legend of Zelda Series

Link has been, and always will be, one of my favorite characters from video games.  He is the hero in the Legend Of Zelda games, and one of the most famous video game characters of all time.  I have always enjoyed the Legend Of Zelda games, and because of that, i have grown attached to Link as a character.  Every Zelda game includes action, strategy, and puzzle solving elements, with a little bit of humor and horror thrown in for good measure (Anyone who says there is no horror in Zelda games, go replay the bottom of the well level from Ocarina of Time.  Yeah, that's what i thought) 

He always is using new weapons or items to achieve his goals or solve puzzles.  It was awesome to play a game where you had to fight off creatures with a sword, and then alternately, solve a gigantic puzzle to open a door to a boss.  Link also had very little dialogue, making it very easy to be drawn into the character.  I even liked the terribly written, impossibly silly Legend of Zelda cartoon featured on the Super Mario Brothers Super show.  Link went from never speaking to saying "Excuuuuuuuuuse me, princess" every chance he got.  I still liked it.

Number 1, with a bullet: The Plot twist in Bioshock.

Okay, i will preface this entry with a great big SPOILERS ALERT.  I will give away many plot points of the game Bioshock, which are most definitely SPOILERS if you have not played the game.  Seriously, SPOILERS.  If you have not played the game, but are planning on it, you may want to skip this next bit.  One last time, SPOILERS

Okay, the story of Bioshock is a little hard to explain, but i will do my best.  Set in1960, you begin the game in a fiery plane crash in the middle of the ocean.  Your only chance of survival is swimming to a small island with a lighthouse on it.  Upon entering the lighthouse, you find that it is the entrance to a sprawling underground city called Rapture.  Your character soon finds that this once beautiful underwater city has fallen into disrepair, and most of it's inhabitants have gone crazy, or have just plain mutated.  Your character is contacted via radio by a man named Atlas, and he guides you to safety.  Atlas pleads with you to help him rescue his family from the man who created the underwater city.  You start following Atlas' orders in a desperate attempt to save his family and get out alive.  Finally, after fighting through levels and levels of mutants, you reach Andrew Ryan, the man who has kidnapped Atlas' family.  And then, you get a knowledge bomb dropped on you.  

A summary of the story of Bioshock in 5 minutes.

You find out that Atlas has been controlling you the whole time.  He always says the phrase "Would ya kindly..." followed by some instruction like pick up that wrench, or open that door.  This phrase turns out to be a subliminal message that makes you blindly follow commands.  You are a sleeper agent who shares the same DNA with Andrew Ryan allowing you to breach Rapture's Security. Your only reason for existing is to find and kill Andrew Ryan, and Atlas (who turns of to be a gangster named Fontaine) is behind it all.

Holy shit.

I luckily played through this game without having any of the story spoiled for me.  The game itself is absolutely amazing.  The gameplay is fun, and the graphics and audio make the world of Rapture come to life.  But the real star of this game is the plot.  I was blown away by the plot twist.  Games frequently contain plot twists, but this one is the mother of them all.  Seriously, you are standing in the middle of an underwater metropolis, fighting for your life and trying to save a mans family, and all of a sudden you find out that your life is a lie, you are the illegitimate offspring of the man who is accused of kidnapping the family, you are being subconsciously controlled, and your only reason for existing is to kill Andrew Ryan.   You find all of this out in about 3 minutes.  Holy Cow.  I couldn't recommend this game enough after i beat it.  I know that recommending you play a game that i have just spoiled the story for seems silly, but even if you know the story, the game is still great.  

This is in the number one spot for one reason and one reason only:  this was the first time that i was actually in awe of a video game.  This game is scary, exciting, smart and cleverly written.  The first time i played through it, i can vividly remember having a holy shit moment when the plot twist was revealed.  Every part of the game leading up to the big reveal was designed to make the plot twist that much more of a shock.  Such a well made game.

Okay, another reason this is in the number one spot, is because i felt like writing about it.  I'm capricious, bitch. What can I say?

til next time, 

-J.

Fish are friends, not food.

For as long as i can remember, i have disliked most seafood. My mother tells me that i used to love the shit out of fish sticks, but i believe that my brain has blocked those specific memories due to traumatic circumstances.  When i was 7 or 8, i ate a microwavable meal for one, for unknown reasons.  Usually, my family all ate together, but for some reason or another, i was the only one that was eating dinner that night.  I could be remembering this wrong, and my sister may have eaten supper with me that night, but it was a long time ago, and that is not the focal point of the evenings events.  

I don't remember exactly what the TV dinner was i.e. cod, walleye, Chilean sea bass... but it was a piece of breaded fish, along with a forgettable side.  I ate every last bit of it, and became unpleasantly ill.  I don't remember throwing up, or suffering from intestinal distress, but that fish went to work on my insides in a way i will never forget.  I couldn't move.  I was in serious pain.  I vaguely recall laying on my living room couch, crying out in pain for most of the night.  It was at this point that i decided that i must be allergic to fish.  It was the only logical conclusion to my younger self.  i know that i am not really allergic to fish, and i don't think that anyone actually can be allergic to fish.  After some quick wikipedia-ing, I have a better understanding of the situation.  Some people have allergies to shellfish, but that is a tropomyosin allergy, which is usually limited to mollusks and crustaceans.  Some people are allergic to fish, but it is usually limited to cod, haddock, trout, and salmon. 

For most of my life following the fish incident, i have avoided most seafood.  To this day, i still don't care for most fish.  I have come to appreciate some seafood (mostly squid and octopus, and to a lesser extent, shrimp), but most seafood still is very unappetizing.  Bottom line: Fish smells like fish, and tastes just like it smells.  When i was a server, i hated taking salmon to a persons table.  I could smell it from across the room, and i always wondered why anyone would order a big plate of "Smells and tastes like a fish hatchery" with a side of "That is not really food".  I used to think that i would feel differently if i lived closer to an ocean or another major source of fish (lake Michigan does not count).  I proved myself wrong a few years ago when i went to Hawaii.

Hawaii is gorgeous.  Everything about it makes me want to live there... except the lack of cows.  Cost of a can of spam in Hawaii: two coconuts and a sea shell.  Cost of a quarter pound hamburger patty: Your first born.  Most of the meat consumed on the island is either fish or pork.  Or spam, but that is not really a meat.  So here i was, i fish/pork land, and i decided to be brave.  I was going to try sushi for the first time.  I thought "If i am every going to eat a piece of raw fish, i would rather try it first in the middle of the goddamn ocean, so at least it is fresh."  So i found a nice little sushi restaurant right down the street from my hotel.  I didn't tell anyone i was going, because if it turns out i liked sushi, i would be embarrassed that i have been a holdout for so long, and i would have preferred to keep it a secret.  Turns out that if you eat a piece of fish that was swimming in the crystal clear waters surrounding Hawaii not 6 hours prior, it still tastes like goddamn fish.  

Jim Gaffigan once said: "You know what goes good on fish?  Anything that covers up the taste of fish."  I completely agree.  The first piece of sushi i ate was tuna.  I didn't put anything on it: Just a piece of fish, and some sushi rice.  It tasted like an aquarium.  So i decided to douse my next piece in as much soy sauce, wasabi and ginger as i could.  The next piece tasted like someone poured some soy sauce, wasabi, and ginger into an aquarium and put it in my mouth.  They said that it was Mahi Mahi.  I still say it was aquarium.  I do have to hand it to the sushi chef that was dealing with me.  He was very understanding of my situation, and i made sure that he knew that if i spit anything out, it was not his fault.  If someone decides to eat a shit sandwich, and it tastes like shit, the last person they can blame is the chef (Unless they've had a really good shit sandwich at another restaurant downtown, ya'know, one of those little bistros that no one tells anyone else about because they want it to be their little secret).

I mentioned earlier that some seafood does not bother me.  Squid and octopus are about the only things from the ocean that i like.  Lobster? Ocean Cockroaches.  King crab?  Sea Spiders.  Scallops? uh, ocean... slime balls i guess.  Oysters? A different kind of ocean slime balls.  Shrimp? Depends on how it is cooked...In my egg rolls? Delicious.  Butterflied and served downed in butter and garlic with my pasta? Yummy.  With the shell on, not cleaned, not de-veined? Disgusting and full of poop.  I don't want to eat anything where the first step of eating it is removing its head and then cleaning the poo out of it.  The only fish that i ever tried an was not completely disgusted by was tilapia, a very light flavored fish.  I was surprised by how little flavor it had, and i thought that i had found a fish that i could actually eat.  Nope.  I had the misfortune of watching an episode of dirty jobs where they visited a fish hatchery.  They used the tilapia to clean up trout poop.  No more poop fish for me thanks, I'm full.

What it really breaks down to is that i just don't care for fish.  There is nothing really wrong with it, it just does not appeal to me.  I can understand how some people would not understand this because they like fish, the same way i don't understand how some people are vegan because i like bacon. If i am going to have to smell stinky aquarium fish food smell, i would much rather it be from an actual aquarium, instead of my dinner plate. Now if you will excuse me, i am going to go eat a cheeseburger. 

-J.

Migraines, the farting guy at work, and borderlands 2

Part 1:Headaches and talkative assholes.

Normally, migraines are not a problem for me.  By that i mean i don't usually get them, not that they don't affect me.  Today i had one that has lasted almost 6 hours.  It is finally starting to subside, but it has made my day pretty miserable.  I have never had a migraine that has stuck around for as long as this one, although the intensity of this particular headache was slightly less than the others that i have experienced.  Compounding the throbbing pain in my head was the constant sound of farts from the desk next to me.  So i had that going for me as well.

I should explain.  The gentleman who works directly across the aisle from me has a very outspoken colon.  I used to keep track of how many times a day he would blast one off, but i got bored of counting, and i grew cautious that he would find my (pages and pages) of hash marks and be embarrassed.  What makes this so awkward for everyone around him at work, is his refusal to acknowledge the constant cheese cutting.  For those of you unfamiliar with proper flatus procedure i will outline it for you now.

If you crack one off in public, your surroundings should tell you how to deal with it:

1. Surrounded by a group of close friends, no love interests- You could claim it as your own and make light of it, or brag about how loud it was.  You can also politely excuse yourself.  The main point here is to own up to it. Everyone heard it, and it's better to make light of the situation rather than be ashamed.  

2. Surrounded by acquaintances/co workers/ classmates- Again, if it is obvious that you just let one go, you need to at least acknowledge that it was you in a way that you are comfortable with.  Humor will always be the best, but a polite excuse me will always be okay around most people.

3. Surrounded by complete strangers that you will never see again-  Don't say anything, but look at the closest guy and make the "did you just hear that guy airbrush his boxers?" face. It may not work, but who cares, as you will never see those people again.

4. Around a romantic interest who has never heard you fart before- That sucks.  The person that you like just realized that, in fact, your digestive system does have uncouth side effects, just like every other human on the planet.  I think Wayne Campbell said it best.  "If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. But if you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be."  He was talking about throwing up, but the point is valid.

5. Around a romantic interest who has heard you fart many times- Pull the covers over both of you and don't let them out.  This is called a dutch oven, and it is one the greatest signs of affection that a man can give.

6.  Around your sibling- If you have a brother, farting as close to them, if not right on their face, is absolutely appropriate.  Maybe not in public.

Alright, enough fart humor.  The point i am trying to make is that, no matter what, if you obviously just farted loudly for anyone to hear, you should acknowledge it so that people around you don't think that you are just letting them rip. This courtesy is not taken by the guy who sits next to me.  He just let's them rip.  Now, things could be worse.  I could be close enough to experience the flatulence in an aromatic way, but thankfully, i am far enough away that it is strictly a noise violation. 

"How does this make your migraine worse?" you might ask.  Well, traditionally, i have followed suit with the farting guy and tried not to publicly acknowledge his butt trumpeting.  All of the people around me at work have slipped each other knowing glances and laughed quietly to ourselves, but no verbal acknowledgement has occurred.  I do have to stifle a laugh now and then if he lets a loud one out, though.  Today, it sounded like he had a goddamn orchestra playing the 1812 overture in his pants (Hyperbole, i know, but man, he was loud today).  I spent the entire afternoon trying to ignore the throbbing in my head, while simultaneously, trying to stifle laughter.  This only made the pressure in my head worse.  It was the exact opposite of "laughter is the best medicine".  Every time he let one go, it made me want to laugh harder, and that made my head hurt more.  

Sometimes i wish that i was more sophisticated, so that farts wouldn't make me laugh, but who would want to live in a world like that.  Not me.  

Part 2: Borderlands 2.

I got Borderlands 2 this Tuesday afternoon.  It is funny, challenging, well designed, and very entertaining.  It is a great game, and i am terribly addicted to it.  It is taking quite a bit of self restraint to keep me away from the xbox as i type...  Self restraint that i don't seem to have at the moment. Remember one post back when i said that i would try to write something each day until borderlands 2 consumed my life?  Yeah, the first step is always admitting that you have a problem.  

-J.

P.S. If for some reason you are offended by potty humor, i apologize for the (approximately) 18 references to flatus in this post.  

P.P.S. I made it through this whole post without using the phrase "Crop Dust".  (19)

EDIT: I would like to clarify one thing.  I am not trying to pick on the farting guy.  I really want to be clear on that.  i am only poking fun at his excessively loud farts and his refusal to acknowledge them.  He is generally an okay guy, he just farts a lot.  

a few days off

Hey there peoples.  Just a quick post.  I am going to try and write something, even if it is very short, most days of the week.  Mondays and Tuesdays are my days off from writing, at least for now.  I am usually playing catch up on Mondays (writing trivia for Tuesdays), and on Tuesdays i host a pub trivia that takes up most of my night.  I really am enjoying writing on an almost daily basis, and i will continue to do so until Borderlands 2 consumes my life. Also, in completely unrelated news, i totally got hosed this week in fantasy football.  Matt Bryant needed to kick one more field goal and i would have won.  Oh well.  So far i am 1-1.  Lets see if i can't put a winning season together.
-J

I should be doing something else...

Right now i should be writing trivia questions for Tuesday.  I should be looking up factoids and turning them into questions.  I should be getting ready for bed because i want to be at work at 6 a.m. tomorrow.  Instead, i am obsessively reviewing football statistics for my fantasy football team, and watching my son destroy my living room.  I should be trying to get ahead so i don't have too much to do tomorrow night, but instead, I am just sitting here, unmotivated.  Really what it comes down to, is that I have been writing my own trivia questions for so long that i am starting to repeat myself.  Of course, if i wanted to write really hard questions, i could have two full weeks of games.  Wait, let me back up a little bit.  
I host a pub trivia night at the restaurant for which I used to work.  It has three rounds with, 24 questions per round, tie breaker questions, final questions, and a musical bonus round.  I try to stay within a certain range of difficulty (somewhere in the vicinity of "a little harder than average").  Without realizing it, i may have painted myself into a corner.  I am running out of average level trivia ideas, and i do not want to start repeating myself.  It seems i have 2 choices: Start upping the difficulty, or start rehashing old questions.  I don't see an advantage to either, and i think that both has some serious downsides.  I could start paying for questions for various websites, but that also has problems: I have no control over what the questions would be about, and  i have no control over the quality (by that i mean, they might send me a question that could be interesting, but worded terribly i.e. What is a planet?)
I will continue to try and write new questions, but as the weeks continue, i foresee me having to reuse some old categories/questions.  I will also have to increase the difficulty level if i want to keep things fresh.  This sucks.  You know what could make this a little easier to deal with?  If 49ers TE Vernon Davis caught 2 more TD passes tonight.  At least that would be one less thing for me to worry about.
-J.

Star Trek, The First Class New Generation Begins

Okay, so while driving to work today I had a wonderful idea.  If J. J. Abrams were to reboot Star Trek: The Next Generation in the same way he did the Original Series, who would my dream cast be?

Rules:  Okay well not really rules,  more of some general guidelines.  First off, i do not care about any kind of timeline, continuity, or plot from the TV series.  Really.  I don't care who was around for what, I don't care that data was deactivated and wouldn't be there at the same time as blah blah blah.  This is a new timeline, just like the other film.  Second, I'd like the actors to all be a little younger.  Other than that, all bets are off.


First Up:

 Geordi La Forge.
Original: portrayed by LeVar Burton.  Reboot: Portrayed by Dulé Hill

Dulé Hill is one of my favorite actors on TV right now.  After seven years on The West Wing, and almost as long on USA's Psych, I think he can pull off any role he is given.  Geordi was smart, talented, kind, and he hooked up with a projection on the holodeck.  I think that Dulé would do a great job rattling off technical jargon and having a sweet low top Geordi fade.



Next Up:

 Dr. Beverly Crusher

Original: Portrayed by Gates McFadden  Reboot: Portrayed by Felica Day

Ahhh, Felicia Day.  Queen of the Nerds.  Known to some as Codex from The Guild, known to others as the Founder of the YouTube channel, Geek and Sundry.  She would be perfect as a young Dr. Crusher.  Smart, Sexy, Ginger.  An honorable mention goes out to Karen Gillian a.k.a. Amy Pond from  Doctor Who.  Also, Pulaski sucks. No reboot for her.  Oh, and I'm Leaving out O'Brien too. EDIT: Due to a request, no I'm not. See below.

Next Up:

Lt. Commander Data

Original: Portrayed by Brent Spiner.  Reboot: Portrayed by Joeseph Gordon-Levitt

I tried to find a good picture of Joseph Gordon-Levitt without any expression, and this is the best i could do.  What can i say... he seems like a happy guy.  Anyway, you might be thinking, "But Jeff, Data wouldn't be any younger because he is an android" and to that i would say "Shut up".  My game, My rules.  Honorable mention goes to Kristen Stewart, because she can only make one face.

Next Up:

Counselor Deanna Troi

Original: Portrayed by Marina Sirtis  Reboot: Portrayed by Anne Hathaway.

Anne Hathaway is just a good actress.  She did a wonderful job as Selena Kyle in The Dark Knight Rises.  It would be interesting to see her as an empath on a space ship.  Also, the thought of her in Troi's low cut onesies... *Insert bad joke referencing Ten Forward here*.  

Next:

Worf

Original: Portrayed by Michael Dorn.  Reboot: Portrayed by Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje

Mr. Eco.  Adawale Akinnuoye-Agbaje has a great voice, but he would have to work on his Klingon accent.  He just seems like he could pull off a young, honorable Klingon warrior.  Also, he's goddamn Mr. Eco.  He stared the smoke monster right in the face.  That kind of like a right of Ascension, without the painsticks.

Next:

Lieutenant Tasha Yar

Original: Portrayed by Denise Crosby.  Reboot: Portrayed by Hayden Panettiere

She has the hair.  She has the eyes.  Now, she just needs to start kicking ass and sleeping with Data.  Honestly though, i think she would have to work hard to get Tasha's attitude down.  She should also be on the look out for pools of tar, because that's not tar, that's Armus, and he will flipping kill you.

Next:

 Reginald Brocol... I mean, Barclay
Original: Portrayed by Dwight Schultz.  Reboot:  Portrayed by John Frances Daley

John Frances Daley can play awkward so well.  He has recently been less awkward as Dr. Sweets on Bones.  Still awkward, but less so.  He was also the new employee in Waiting who went through most of the movie not being able to get a word in, and as geeky young Sam on Freaks and geeks.  

Next:

Q

Original: Portrayed by John De Lancie.  Reboot: Portrayed by Julian Mcmahon

Julian McMahon a.k.a. Christian from Nip/Tuck and Dr Doom from those movies that i wish never happened.  He has the look, and he can be cruel and playful at the same time.  

Next:

Guinan

Original: Portrayed by Whoopi Goldberg.  Reboot: Portrayed by Gabrielle Union

Oh, Gabrielle Union, you have come such a long way since Bring it On.  She has an awesome voice, and would be way hotter than Whoopi Goldberg as a bartender.  Plus, she could probably rock the shit out a Guinan hat.

Next:

Miles O'Brien

Original: Portrayed by Colm Meaney.  Reboot: Portrayed by Ben Foster

He would have to wear a curly wig and gain some weight in his face.

Next:

Ensign Wesley Crusher

Original: Portrayed by Wil Wheaton.  Reboot:  Portrayed by who cares

Wesley would be very young in this reboot, so any young actor would be fine, and i don't feel like searching through a bunch of pictures of 10 year olds.  How bout that kid from The Walking Dead.  Yeah, he's fine.

Next:

Commander William "beardface" Riker

Original: Portrayed by Jonathan Frakes.  Reboot: Portrayed by Zachary Levi

Just look at that face.  all he needs is some blue contacts.  Comander Riker is 6'4".  Zachary Levi is 6'4".  Comander Riker has an awesome beard.  Zachary Levi has the ability to grow a beard.  Comander Riker is a smart ass who also kicks ass.  Zachary Levi was in Big Mama's House 2.  Okay, so that last one didn't work out as well.

Last but not least:

Captain Jean Luc Picard

Original: Portrayed by Sir Patrick Stewart.   Reboot: Portrayed by Paul Bettany

It is hard to imagine Jean Luc as a younger man with hair.  Paul Bettany matches what I think Captain Picard would look like before he was a captain.  He would need to lower his voice a little bit, and learn to love tea, Earl Grey, hot.  Paul Bettany was good in a Knights Tale, and even better in a beautiful mind.  He has recently taken to action films, but i think he still does best as a well rounded thinker.

So there you go.  Get crackin, Hollywood types.  

-J