Dunkin Donuts: A microcosm of douchbags

Every morning before work, i stop into a Dunkin Donuts for a coffee.  The morning shift knows me now, and they don't even ask what i want anymore.  I like that.  It is even to the point where if there is a line, they will make my coffee before i even get to the register so that my wait is even shorter.  My whole trip (parking, going in, paying, leaving) takes about 90 seconds if there is no line.  

But every now and then, every douchebag within a 5 mile radius decides that they want to go to my Dunkin Donuts and make my morning as shitty as possible.  Here is just a taste of the many varieties of douchebaggery that occurs.


-The "I am going to park any damn way i please" lady. 
There has been at least 5 different occasions where i have run into a specific lady outside of Dunkin Donuts.  She drives a white Lexus SUV type thing, and just parks her car wherever the shit she feels like, including but not limited to: 
-directly next to my driver side door, making it impossible to get in or out
-directly on the curb in front of the store, almost blocking the door
-completely over the line because she is bad at parking (accident)
-diagonally across 2 different spots because she is a pretentious bitch (on purpose)
She also drives like a crazy person, paying no attention to pedestrians, other cars, small children, pets, etc.  She goes the wrong way down one way parking aisles.  She completely disregards the aisles completely and makes up her own way out of the lot.  She ignores stop signs.  All while talking on her phone and holding a cup of coffee.  She is the living embodiment of a reckless, entitled, stereotypical woman driver.  (note: i do not think all women are bad drivers, but goddamn, she is giving you guys a bad name.)  Seriously lady, don't suck so hard at driving, if only to save the time it takes  clean all of the children  out of your cars grill.

-The "i am too busy to hold a door for anyone" guy
This actually applies to a few gentlemen.  Seriously, hold a door sometime you worthless pricks.  It's a simple gesture of courtesy that cost you NOTHING except a few seconds of your time.  I could understand a guy not holding a door for me, say, if he was super homophobic, and thought that holding a door for me was equivalent to him saying that he wanted to take me on a date.  I can understand a man or woman with their hands full not being able to hold the door.  I can understand a frail old woman not holding the door due to her being old.  But c'mon dude... if you let that door close in my face one more time, i am going to smack the coffee out of your hand and eat your donuts.  Don't be a dick.

-The "i don't understand how lines work" guy
Again, this applies to a few perpetrators.  First up is the guy who tries to weasel his way into line in front of other people while acting like he didn't know the line curved around and came back towards the door.  He has tried this twice he gets away with it because no one wants to call him out on his dickish ways.  See, most people are not, in fact, dicks.  They do not want to yell at a guy who has simply made a mistake.  
The next guy is the smart ass who takes cutting in line to professional levels.  At my Dunkin Donuts, there are two registers and one line, and they ask for the next person in line.  There is a guy who comes in and immediately goes to stand behind the person on the left register, like everyone else in line was just waiting for the other register, and he was the only person to realize that there were two registers open.  What a fucker.  This also causes what i like to call "plausible asshole syndrome".  Instead of rising up as a unit and slaying the douchebag like we should, everyone else decides "yeah, instead of waiting patiently, lets all fight over these two lines."  Since that guy got to be dick, everyone else decides that they will too.  What a complete asshole.  

Then there are a few odds and end people that just piss me off in general:
- The "talk loudly into my phone to make sure people know I'm important" guy
- The "talk loudly into my phone to make sure people know I'm popular" girl
- The "take fucking forever to decide on what donuts you want in your half dozen" lady
- The "I'm going to pay in pennies for my sandwich" lady
- The "asks which donuts are the freshest, and then doesn't order a donut" guy
- The "stands unreasonably close to me in line" guy

but every now and then, the "I am a completely competent and reasonable adult" guy shows up.  This gentleman doesn't come in as often as i do, but he is still there a few times a week.  He always orders a couple dozen donuts and a box of pre made coffee to go.  Get this:  he knows his order takes a long time, so he lets people go in front of him.  He actually lets people go in front of him so that they don't have to wait.  And to top it all off... he has held the door for me many times, even though his hands are usually filled.  Thanks for not being a selfish dick, "reasonable adult" guy.  

Seriously though.  The next chance you get to hold open a door, or to let a lady go ahead of you in line, or to say please or thank you, take it.  It could make someones day that much nicer so he doesn't have to go onto his blog and use naughty words like "fuck those assholes right in their goddamn ears".  For real though, fuck those assholes right in their goddamn ears.  

-J.

Top 5 Episode IV: A new hip hop(e)

Alright.  This may come a shocker to some people but here it is plain and simple:  I like Hip Hop.  I really do.  

I have heard many people in the past say this exact sentence when asked about their musical preferences: "I like everything, except country and rap."  I have a couple problems with this.  First of all, you don't like everything.  You may like the idea of everything, but really, everyone who has said that previous sentence really meant "I like popular music in a few different styles."  When people ask you this question, it is usually to try and build a conversation on similar interests, not trying to find out is you are intolerant of other cultures.  You do not have to be vauge about this question.  Just tell them some of the CDs you have in the car that very minute.  Second, by stating that you "like everything, except country and rap" you have missed the point.  By completely excluding two very large genres of music, you have crippled your ability to really enjoy music.  I am not saying that a true appreciator has to like everything.  That is not my point.  But, by ignoring any genre of music outright, or simply saying that you do, you limit yourself.  I truly do like most (Read: not all) kinds of music.  I just happen to hate a ton of people that professionally make pop music.  Big Difference.

Hip Hop, to me, is something special, something different from Rap music in general.  It speaks to a different style of life.  It is a much more poetic, storytelling style of performance.  The lines between Rap and Hip Hop are often blurred, especially by record companies and media outlets.  They can't seem to tell the difference.  Content is the key to telling the two apart.  Rap songs can be catchy, but Hip Hop has content.  It has meaning.  It is kind of like English English and American English.  They both use the same words and structure, but one sounds more refined, more clever.  Almost anything sounds more intelligent in a British accent.

Just ask any Arrested Development fan.

I make no claim as to my complete knowledge of Hip Hop.  I will be the first to acknowledge that i have much more to learn.  But over the years i have picked up a few favorite artists here and there, mostly due to awesome recommendations from friends.  So here is a list of Hip Hop songs/artists that I really enjoy.  

Number 5: "Kick, Push" by Lupe Fiasco

Native Chicagoan Lupe Fiasco is a rapper, singer, songwriter, record producer, and CEO of  1st and 15th Entertainment.  Ever since i heard his album the first time, i knew that he was something different.  This song, for instance, is about a young man who takes up skateboarding, and how it ends up defining him as a person.  That alone makes this song worth listening to.  He is not bragging about his own skateboarding skills (he can't actually skate himself, and he openly admits it), or how much money he makes, or how much of a thug he is.  Its a love song about two skateboarding kids who are just looking for a good place to skate.  Such a cool song.  My favorite lyric is from the second verse:

"Met his girlfriend, she was clappin' in the crowd, Love is what was happening to him now,

He said I would marry you but I'm engaged to these aerials and varials

And I don't think this board is strong enough to carry 2 She said bow I weigh 120 pounds, now Lemme make one thing clear I don't need to ride yours I got mine right here."

Boom.  Love storied.

Number 4: "UNIverse at War" By The Roots Feat. Common

The Roots were one of the first Hip Hop groups that i ever listened to.  I also got to see them live once, and they are amazing.  One of my favorite Roots songs has always been "UNIverse at War" from Illadelph Halflife.  I have to thank either Teddy O. or Dave Helem for introducing me to the Roots.  My favorite lyrics are from Common:

"Some let the block block they mind if they could see what I see

Get out the city for a sec be at the places I be

Hey, I'ma be back on the deck, opening

Business in places for you to cash your check

My, neck of the woods ain't all good ain't all bad

You can live in the burbs, and still get had"

Number 3: "Definition/REdefinition" by Black Star

Mos Def and Talib Kweli are Black Star is a fantastic album.  I chose this track (its actually 2 tracks that run back to back) for two reasons.  First, this is my favorite track on the album and second, this song is about how Hip Hop is ruining itself and needs to return to its roots. The lyrics in this song reflect how Hip Hop came from humble origins, and it has become too violent and hateful.  My favorite lyrics from this song are from Mos Def, and are right at the beginning of the song:

"Yo, from the first to the last of it, delivery is passionate

The whole and not the half of it, vocab and not the math of it

Projectile that them blasted with, accurate assassin shit

Me and Kweli close like, Bethlehem and Nazareth"

Did he just say "Me and Kweli close like Bethlehem and Nazareth"? Yes.  Yes he did.

Number 2: "Us Placers" by Kanye West, Lupe Fiasco, and Pharell Williams

This song prominently features music from the song "The Eraser" by Thom Yorke, the singer from Radiohead (One of my favorite bands) so i immediately paid attention when i heard it on the radio.  Say what you will about Kanye's personality, but he is a fantastic writer.  The song speaks mostly about how being famous still doesn't make life any better.  Kind of a modern day "Mo Money, Mo Problems" type song.  Usually, when a rapper starts talking about how much money they have, i stop paying attention.  This song is different.  They are not bragging.  It is almost an apology to their younger selves, trying desperately to let them know that money is not what is important most in life (Hence, the younger versions of themselves in the video).  I know i may be reading a little too much between the lines on this one, but i feel that the whole first verse makes this very clear: 

"Two pinky rings for my manicured fingers

A trained German Shepherd that barks when it’s angered

To watch my possessions and look out for strangers

A 50 foot yacht with an anchor

Young supermodel that shall remain nameless

Ups and the downs, the sames and the changes

All the money in the world don’t make it painless" 

Number 1: you probably could guess...

Lulz.  Just kidding.  But how did you not see this coming?

Number 1, with a bullet: "What's Golden?" By Jurassic 5

"Whats Golden?" is a true Hip Hop song, and the MCs from Jurassic 5 are truly talented.  They use their words and styles to deliver different ideas and thoughts in an impressively intelligent way.  This song is specifically about how they try to stay true to their Hip Hop roots, and the love of their craft itself.  Another example of real artists shying away from the goal of making money and trying to create something pure.  My favorite lyrics state this exactly:

Melancholy mundane so I tame the hot flame
Big rings, fat chains, and y'all quest for the same
No name, use fame, strictly new to the thang
We stay true to the game and never bring it to shame

I think what i like about good Hip Hop is that it is not focused on the trivial things that seem to preoccupy every other rap song.  I don't care about how many hos you made it rain on last night.  That is stupid.  Tell me a real story, something that is meaningful to you, something intelligent, and i will glady pay attention.  And if anyone has any good recommendations, i will give them a listen.  I am always on the lookout for new music.  Just don't recommend any country songs.  I fucking hate country music. (see what i did there? lulz.)

-J.

Top 5 Episode III: Top Five-o-rama

Okay, I am going to change things up a little bit.  Instead of doing one in depth top five, i am going to do 3 not-in-depth top fives.  

First up: Top 5 books I have recently read.  These are not necessarily new books to me, in fact one of them is an old favorite.  Also, a few of these (Read: All of them) i have listened to in audio form while I was at work instead of actually reading the book.  *SHAMELESS PLUG WARNING* Audible.com is a website that offers audio books for download to your smart phone type thingys so you can easily listen to them whenever.  I use it all the time.  

Number 5: "Redshirts" By John Scalzi, read by Wil Wheaton.

Number 4: "Snow Crash" By Neal Stephenson, read by Johnathan Davis.  Not the guy from Korn.  Some other guy.

Number 3: "Tough Shit" by Kevin Smith read by Kevin Smith.  

Number 2: "The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy" by Douglas Addams. read by Stephen Fry.  This one is the classic that i was talking about above.  So far all of the other books were first time reads (or listens i guess).

Number 1, with a bullet: "Ready Player One" by Ernest Cline, read by Wil Wheaton.

"Ready Player One" is awesome.  I am so glad that i picked it up.  It follows the story of Wade Watts a.k.a.Parzival (sic), who spends his free time searching for a legendary easter egg in a fully subversive VR game called "The Oasis".  In the first chapter of the book you find out that the recently deceased creator of "The Oasis" has left his entire inheritance and controlling stake of "The Oasis" and it's parent company GSS hidden somewhere in the game's immensely huge universe.  The novel, and the search for the egg itself, are chock full of video game, 80s pop culture, science fiction, and musical references.  Seriously, go here and check out the full list of things referenced in the book.  

Next: Top 5 Albums I have listened to this week.  Besides listening to audio books at work, I also listen to music.  *SHAMELESS PLUG WARNING* I use Spotify.com to listen to whatever I want at work.  They have a HUGE streaming music library that you can use with your smart phone if you are a premium member.  The only downside: not enough underground metal.  Some of the smaller metal labels do not offer their music to spotify for streaming, which makes Jeff sad.  And of course, bands like Metallica, The Beatles, and Led Zeppelin also do not offer their music.  But hey, I'll pay ten bucks a month for everything else on the planet.  

Number 5: "Periphery II: This Time, It's Personal" by Periphery 

Number 4: "Pinkerton Special Edition" by Weezer

Number 3: "A Night At The Opera" by Queen

Number 2:  "Ghosts I-IV" By Nine Inch Nails.  Some of the tracks from this album were modified and used for the Social Network soundtrack.  Atticus Ross collaborated with Trent Reznor on this album.  Good music to work to.  

Number 1, with a bullet:  "Scurrilous" "Fortress" and "Kezia" by Protest the Hero. 

CAUTION: PROGRESSIVE HEAVY METAL!  LISTEN AT HIGH VOLUMES ONLY!

Sweet 'stache.

I grouped all three of these records together because i can.  So there.  Protest the Hero are one of my favorite bands, and i love all of their records.  They write very complex, very technically advanced songs.  They also rock your face off live.  I have never seen a band play more proficiently live (maybe one, and that was Periphery.  I just talked about them up there.)  Their singer Rody has an amazing voice, and he uses it like an instrument.  Instead of just growling and screaming or just plain singing, he mixes all of his abilities into a heavy dose of jazzy, growling, crooning, screamy (not a word), vocals.  I picked this video because who can say no to technically advanced odd time signature prog metal while the band is hopping down the street like a bunch of idiots? Not me, that's who.

Next up: Top 5 Podcasts.  Okay, so by now it is obvious that i consume a massive amount of media each week while sitting at my work bench.  Podcasts, for those of you who are uninitiated, are self produced recordings of conversations, interviews, and discussions that you can listen to.  It's kind of like talk radio, but for very specific audiences, and hosted by experts/actors/comedians.  Hard to explain, but very cool.  

Number 5: "How did this get made?" hosted by Paul Sheer, Jason Mantzoukas, and June Dianne Raphael.  They discuss terrible movies.  I mean really terrible.  Some of the movies featured: The Room, Batman and Robin, Jaws 4, and Judge Dredd.  Not all of these are un-enjoyable, but all of them are terrible.

Number 4: "The Nerdist" Hosted by Chris Hardwick, Jonah Ray and Matt Mira.  They feature interviews with all sorts of people from many different backgrounds.  Actors, comedians, scientists, and the like.  They mostly focus on things that people can nerd out about.  Very funny, and very cool to see so many different guests. 

Number 3:  "Good Job Brain" hosted by Karen, Colin, Dana, and Chris, a bar trivia team.  A weekly bar trivia themed podcast featuring quizzes, fun facts, obscure knowledge, and other fun topics.  All around a fun listen, and right up my alley.

Number 2: "Wait Wait, Don't Tell Me" hosted by Peter Sagel and Carl Kasell.  Wait Wait is a weekly NPR news quiz.  They record most weeks out of Chicago, and they feature panelists like Paula Poundstone, Mo Rocca, Roy Blount Jr. and Tom Bodett.  They basically go over the weeks most interesting news stories and have a good laugh while they are at it.

Number 1, with a bullet: "Hollywood Babble on" Hosted by Ralph Garman.  

Bigger than Liam Neeson's cock.

If you are unfamiliar with the work of Kevin Smith, i should at least warn you, he uses a lot of naughty words.  So listen at your own risk.  Kev Smith and Ralph Garman go over the weeks entertainment news, celebrity gossip and geek news.  They talk about upcoming movies that will suck, shit that should not be (very obvious continuity goofs, background oddities, and equipment goofs in very popular movies), Hollywood helpers (Actors and other famous people who have done a good deed that week), and of course, Liam Neeson's cock.  They end every show with a segment about Liam Neeson's mythically large member.   I know that sounds weird, but it is really funny.  For example:  Liam Neeson's cock is soooo big...(How big is it?) it's the reason Apple introduced the panoramic camera on the iPhone 5... Okay, so maybe it doesn't read that well, but stupid dick and fart jokes make the day go by so fast at work.  And if there is anything Kevin Smith is good at, it is stupid dick and fart jokes.

So there you go.  That is what i listen to all day while i am re-padding your clarinets and replacing your flute's head joint cork *SHAMELESS PLUG WARNING* at the beautiful new Quinlan and Fabish location in Bur Ridge, Illinois.  Quinlan and Fabish, your trusted partner in music education since 1959. 

-J.

Top 5 Episode II: Video Games (Kind of)

Trying to pick out my top five video games of all time is not an easy task.  So I'm not going to do that.  Instead, i am going to go over my top five favorite video game moments/ memories/ characters/ songs.  It's a very abstract list. 

Number 5: All of the music from The first three Mega-Man games

Check out the super sweet cover art from Mega-Man I, drawn by someone who had never, ever, actually played the game.

The Mega-Man series of video games holds a very special place in my heart, especially the first three.  They were some of the most challenging games that i played as a young man.  For those of you who may have never played any of these games, Mega-Man was a robot who fought bad robots.  At the end of every level, you had to beat a boss robot who had special weapons and more powerful attacks. Once you defeated a boss, you were then able to use their specific weapon later in the game.  The only way to beat these bosses easily was to use the correct weapon on them.  So what made the game a challenge was the trial and error needed to find out each bosses weakness so that you could go to the final stage.  Believe me, trying to find out a bosses weakness without the Internet is an unrelenting  nightmare. 

My favorite intro.

What made these games so fun was the amazing soundtrack that looped in the background as you made your way through the different stages.  Each stage had a different theme, and they were all catchy as hell.  They got your blood going.  The songs were written using the NES' limited sound capabilities, but they were still very well composed.  And they had to be.  The songs created a loop that would play in the background while you ran a level, and as i said before, there was quite a bit of trial and error involved, so you ended up listening to the songs many times over.  I never got tired of them.  To this day, i still listen to the original 8-bit soundtrack in my free time. 

One of my favorite level themes, Airman, from Mega-Man 2

Number 4: Halo Multiplayer LAN parties

A LAN party (LAN stands for Local Area Network a.k.a. a bunch of computers hooked up together) is when a bunch of people get together with a bunch of linked computers or video game consoles and all play the same game together.  Unlike playing multiplayer online with players from anywhere in the world, LAN parties allowed you the opportunity to enjoy your friends immediate company.  What made this such a fun time was the competitive spirit it generated and the good sportsmanship of your close friends.   Just kidding.  What made this fun was shooting your friend in the face from across the map, and then yelling "SUCK IT!" at the top of your lungs even though he is sitting right next to you.  What made it fun was throwing a sticky grenade at your roommate and having it stick directly on his face, watching him explode, and then repeatedly crouching over his lifeless body (This was done to symbolize superiority.  Some people say that it represented defecating on your opponent.  We always just called it "tea bagging").  

Really insanely lucky grenade throw.  This would have inspired much yelling.

Some of my fondest memories of college happened at what we liked to call "Halo Night".  We would all get together and drink beers and shoot at each other and call each other names.  All in good fun of course.  My favorite moment of all time involved a guy nicknamed Mars.  Mars was not the greatest player, but he sure tried hard.  I'm not going to get into the specifics of how the game works, but i will sum it up: Accidentally kill your team mate= -1 point.  Accidentally kill yourself= -1 point.  Kill an enemy= +1 point.  The match began with Mars shooting a team mate in the head, throwing a grenade at the ground that may or may not have killed another team member, followed by him immediately jumping over the edge of the bridge he was walking on and falling to his death.  All within 2 seconds of game time.  As my friend P-Cock would say: "Ready, Go! You're losing."  This caused mass hysteria at the time, bringing the game to a halt as we all laughed uncontrollably.  I actually had to stop typing for a minute because i was chuckling to myself about it.

Not mentioned, but still included in this entry: Golden Eye split screen multiplayer, Mario Party, Old school Tetris and Dr Mario tournaments, and last but not least, Marvel Ultimate Avengers (MOOOOOOOON  NIIIIIIIIIGHT!)

Praise be to Khonshu!

Number 3: Scoring my first 100% FC on Guitar Hero

The first time i ran into Guitar Hero, it changed my life.  I'm sure that most of you know what Guitar Hero is, but for those that don't: Guitar Hero is a rhythm based video game that uses a small plastic guitar as it's controller.  It has five buttons on the neck that represent notes, and a strum bar that represents strumming the strings.  To play a note, you hold down one of the buttons, and strum the strum bar.  Sounds easy?  It is not.  

Bark at the moon from Guitar Hero 1.

The general mechanics are very similar to playing a real guitar and fairly easy to learn, but getting a high score or beating an intricate song are a little tougher.  Their are many things you can do to improve your score, but the most important of them all is to keep your multiplyer at it's highest level by playing perfectly.  If you were to play all of the notes in a song, but over strum once, and you break your combo, reducing your score.  If you were to play every note in a song and not break your combo, you would receive 100% on the song and it would be called an FC, or full combo.  

The first song that i played perfect was Stellar by Incubus.  I was the first one of all my friends to do so on any song, and i was immensely proud of myself.  I took a picture of the screen to prove that i had done it, and for future bragging rights.  I had caught the bug.  I started trying to raise my score on every song in the game.  After a couple months, i was hands down the best guitar hero player out of all my friends.  I started competing at amateur levels, and found that i was way better than most of those people too.  And i didn't stop there.  Soon games were offering drum peripherals to play drum parts.  After a bit of practice, i found that i was really good at that too.  I began the immediate domination of all of my friends high scores across multiple games and platforms, and started putting up top 200 in the nation scores on Scorehero.com, a high score posting site.  I was very proud of my abilities.  And then this happened.

That is IamChris4Life a.k.a. Chris Chike's 100% FC run of Through the Fire And Flames from Guitar Hero 3.  It is insanely hard, and it last for 8 minutes.  He was one of the first people to beat the song outright, and the first person to 100% the song. In one 8 minute video, IamChris4Life destroyed everyone elses scores and became the first true guitar hero, at least in my little corner of the Internet.   I decided that no matter how good i got, i would never be this good.  My ego deflated a little bit, but i still can beat just about any takers on both guitar and drums.  So if you are feeling lucky, you can challenge me whenever you like.  Come at me, bro.

Number 2: Link, from the Legend of Zelda Series

Link has been, and always will be, one of my favorite characters from video games.  He is the hero in the Legend Of Zelda games, and one of the most famous video game characters of all time.  I have always enjoyed the Legend Of Zelda games, and because of that, i have grown attached to Link as a character.  Every Zelda game includes action, strategy, and puzzle solving elements, with a little bit of humor and horror thrown in for good measure (Anyone who says there is no horror in Zelda games, go replay the bottom of the well level from Ocarina of Time.  Yeah, that's what i thought) 

He always is using new weapons or items to achieve his goals or solve puzzles.  It was awesome to play a game where you had to fight off creatures with a sword, and then alternately, solve a gigantic puzzle to open a door to a boss.  Link also had very little dialogue, making it very easy to be drawn into the character.  I even liked the terribly written, impossibly silly Legend of Zelda cartoon featured on the Super Mario Brothers Super show.  Link went from never speaking to saying "Excuuuuuuuuuse me, princess" every chance he got.  I still liked it.

Number 1, with a bullet: The Plot twist in Bioshock.

Okay, i will preface this entry with a great big SPOILERS ALERT.  I will give away many plot points of the game Bioshock, which are most definitely SPOILERS if you have not played the game.  Seriously, SPOILERS.  If you have not played the game, but are planning on it, you may want to skip this next bit.  One last time, SPOILERS

Okay, the story of Bioshock is a little hard to explain, but i will do my best.  Set in1960, you begin the game in a fiery plane crash in the middle of the ocean.  Your only chance of survival is swimming to a small island with a lighthouse on it.  Upon entering the lighthouse, you find that it is the entrance to a sprawling underground city called Rapture.  Your character soon finds that this once beautiful underwater city has fallen into disrepair, and most of it's inhabitants have gone crazy, or have just plain mutated.  Your character is contacted via radio by a man named Atlas, and he guides you to safety.  Atlas pleads with you to help him rescue his family from the man who created the underwater city.  You start following Atlas' orders in a desperate attempt to save his family and get out alive.  Finally, after fighting through levels and levels of mutants, you reach Andrew Ryan, the man who has kidnapped Atlas' family.  And then, you get a knowledge bomb dropped on you.  

A summary of the story of Bioshock in 5 minutes.

You find out that Atlas has been controlling you the whole time.  He always says the phrase "Would ya kindly..." followed by some instruction like pick up that wrench, or open that door.  This phrase turns out to be a subliminal message that makes you blindly follow commands.  You are a sleeper agent who shares the same DNA with Andrew Ryan allowing you to breach Rapture's Security. Your only reason for existing is to find and kill Andrew Ryan, and Atlas (who turns of to be a gangster named Fontaine) is behind it all.

Holy shit.

I luckily played through this game without having any of the story spoiled for me.  The game itself is absolutely amazing.  The gameplay is fun, and the graphics and audio make the world of Rapture come to life.  But the real star of this game is the plot.  I was blown away by the plot twist.  Games frequently contain plot twists, but this one is the mother of them all.  Seriously, you are standing in the middle of an underwater metropolis, fighting for your life and trying to save a mans family, and all of a sudden you find out that your life is a lie, you are the illegitimate offspring of the man who is accused of kidnapping the family, you are being subconsciously controlled, and your only reason for existing is to kill Andrew Ryan.   You find all of this out in about 3 minutes.  Holy Cow.  I couldn't recommend this game enough after i beat it.  I know that recommending you play a game that i have just spoiled the story for seems silly, but even if you know the story, the game is still great.  

This is in the number one spot for one reason and one reason only:  this was the first time that i was actually in awe of a video game.  This game is scary, exciting, smart and cleverly written.  The first time i played through it, i can vividly remember having a holy shit moment when the plot twist was revealed.  Every part of the game leading up to the big reveal was designed to make the plot twist that much more of a shock.  Such a well made game.

Okay, another reason this is in the number one spot, is because i felt like writing about it.  I'm capricious, bitch. What can I say?

til next time, 

-J.

Fish are friends, not food.

For as long as i can remember, i have disliked most seafood. My mother tells me that i used to love the shit out of fish sticks, but i believe that my brain has blocked those specific memories due to traumatic circumstances.  When i was 7 or 8, i ate a microwavable meal for one, for unknown reasons.  Usually, my family all ate together, but for some reason or another, i was the only one that was eating dinner that night.  I could be remembering this wrong, and my sister may have eaten supper with me that night, but it was a long time ago, and that is not the focal point of the evenings events.  

I don't remember exactly what the TV dinner was i.e. cod, walleye, Chilean sea bass... but it was a piece of breaded fish, along with a forgettable side.  I ate every last bit of it, and became unpleasantly ill.  I don't remember throwing up, or suffering from intestinal distress, but that fish went to work on my insides in a way i will never forget.  I couldn't move.  I was in serious pain.  I vaguely recall laying on my living room couch, crying out in pain for most of the night.  It was at this point that i decided that i must be allergic to fish.  It was the only logical conclusion to my younger self.  i know that i am not really allergic to fish, and i don't think that anyone actually can be allergic to fish.  After some quick wikipedia-ing, I have a better understanding of the situation.  Some people have allergies to shellfish, but that is a tropomyosin allergy, which is usually limited to mollusks and crustaceans.  Some people are allergic to fish, but it is usually limited to cod, haddock, trout, and salmon. 

For most of my life following the fish incident, i have avoided most seafood.  To this day, i still don't care for most fish.  I have come to appreciate some seafood (mostly squid and octopus, and to a lesser extent, shrimp), but most seafood still is very unappetizing.  Bottom line: Fish smells like fish, and tastes just like it smells.  When i was a server, i hated taking salmon to a persons table.  I could smell it from across the room, and i always wondered why anyone would order a big plate of "Smells and tastes like a fish hatchery" with a side of "That is not really food".  I used to think that i would feel differently if i lived closer to an ocean or another major source of fish (lake Michigan does not count).  I proved myself wrong a few years ago when i went to Hawaii.

Hawaii is gorgeous.  Everything about it makes me want to live there... except the lack of cows.  Cost of a can of spam in Hawaii: two coconuts and a sea shell.  Cost of a quarter pound hamburger patty: Your first born.  Most of the meat consumed on the island is either fish or pork.  Or spam, but that is not really a meat.  So here i was, i fish/pork land, and i decided to be brave.  I was going to try sushi for the first time.  I thought "If i am every going to eat a piece of raw fish, i would rather try it first in the middle of the goddamn ocean, so at least it is fresh."  So i found a nice little sushi restaurant right down the street from my hotel.  I didn't tell anyone i was going, because if it turns out i liked sushi, i would be embarrassed that i have been a holdout for so long, and i would have preferred to keep it a secret.  Turns out that if you eat a piece of fish that was swimming in the crystal clear waters surrounding Hawaii not 6 hours prior, it still tastes like goddamn fish.  

Jim Gaffigan once said: "You know what goes good on fish?  Anything that covers up the taste of fish."  I completely agree.  The first piece of sushi i ate was tuna.  I didn't put anything on it: Just a piece of fish, and some sushi rice.  It tasted like an aquarium.  So i decided to douse my next piece in as much soy sauce, wasabi and ginger as i could.  The next piece tasted like someone poured some soy sauce, wasabi, and ginger into an aquarium and put it in my mouth.  They said that it was Mahi Mahi.  I still say it was aquarium.  I do have to hand it to the sushi chef that was dealing with me.  He was very understanding of my situation, and i made sure that he knew that if i spit anything out, it was not his fault.  If someone decides to eat a shit sandwich, and it tastes like shit, the last person they can blame is the chef (Unless they've had a really good shit sandwich at another restaurant downtown, ya'know, one of those little bistros that no one tells anyone else about because they want it to be their little secret).

I mentioned earlier that some seafood does not bother me.  Squid and octopus are about the only things from the ocean that i like.  Lobster? Ocean Cockroaches.  King crab?  Sea Spiders.  Scallops? uh, ocean... slime balls i guess.  Oysters? A different kind of ocean slime balls.  Shrimp? Depends on how it is cooked...In my egg rolls? Delicious.  Butterflied and served downed in butter and garlic with my pasta? Yummy.  With the shell on, not cleaned, not de-veined? Disgusting and full of poop.  I don't want to eat anything where the first step of eating it is removing its head and then cleaning the poo out of it.  The only fish that i ever tried an was not completely disgusted by was tilapia, a very light flavored fish.  I was surprised by how little flavor it had, and i thought that i had found a fish that i could actually eat.  Nope.  I had the misfortune of watching an episode of dirty jobs where they visited a fish hatchery.  They used the tilapia to clean up trout poop.  No more poop fish for me thanks, I'm full.

What it really breaks down to is that i just don't care for fish.  There is nothing really wrong with it, it just does not appeal to me.  I can understand how some people would not understand this because they like fish, the same way i don't understand how some people are vegan because i like bacon. If i am going to have to smell stinky aquarium fish food smell, i would much rather it be from an actual aquarium, instead of my dinner plate. Now if you will excuse me, i am going to go eat a cheeseburger. 

-J.

Migraines, the farting guy at work, and borderlands 2

Part 1:Headaches and talkative assholes.

Normally, migraines are not a problem for me.  By that i mean i don't usually get them, not that they don't affect me.  Today i had one that has lasted almost 6 hours.  It is finally starting to subside, but it has made my day pretty miserable.  I have never had a migraine that has stuck around for as long as this one, although the intensity of this particular headache was slightly less than the others that i have experienced.  Compounding the throbbing pain in my head was the constant sound of farts from the desk next to me.  So i had that going for me as well.

I should explain.  The gentleman who works directly across the aisle from me has a very outspoken colon.  I used to keep track of how many times a day he would blast one off, but i got bored of counting, and i grew cautious that he would find my (pages and pages) of hash marks and be embarrassed.  What makes this so awkward for everyone around him at work, is his refusal to acknowledge the constant cheese cutting.  For those of you unfamiliar with proper flatus procedure i will outline it for you now.

If you crack one off in public, your surroundings should tell you how to deal with it:

1. Surrounded by a group of close friends, no love interests- You could claim it as your own and make light of it, or brag about how loud it was.  You can also politely excuse yourself.  The main point here is to own up to it. Everyone heard it, and it's better to make light of the situation rather than be ashamed.  

2. Surrounded by acquaintances/co workers/ classmates- Again, if it is obvious that you just let one go, you need to at least acknowledge that it was you in a way that you are comfortable with.  Humor will always be the best, but a polite excuse me will always be okay around most people.

3. Surrounded by complete strangers that you will never see again-  Don't say anything, but look at the closest guy and make the "did you just hear that guy airbrush his boxers?" face. It may not work, but who cares, as you will never see those people again.

4. Around a romantic interest who has never heard you fart before- That sucks.  The person that you like just realized that, in fact, your digestive system does have uncouth side effects, just like every other human on the planet.  I think Wayne Campbell said it best.  "If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. But if you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be."  He was talking about throwing up, but the point is valid.

5. Around a romantic interest who has heard you fart many times- Pull the covers over both of you and don't let them out.  This is called a dutch oven, and it is one the greatest signs of affection that a man can give.

6.  Around your sibling- If you have a brother, farting as close to them, if not right on their face, is absolutely appropriate.  Maybe not in public.

Alright, enough fart humor.  The point i am trying to make is that, no matter what, if you obviously just farted loudly for anyone to hear, you should acknowledge it so that people around you don't think that you are just letting them rip. This courtesy is not taken by the guy who sits next to me.  He just let's them rip.  Now, things could be worse.  I could be close enough to experience the flatulence in an aromatic way, but thankfully, i am far enough away that it is strictly a noise violation. 

"How does this make your migraine worse?" you might ask.  Well, traditionally, i have followed suit with the farting guy and tried not to publicly acknowledge his butt trumpeting.  All of the people around me at work have slipped each other knowing glances and laughed quietly to ourselves, but no verbal acknowledgement has occurred.  I do have to stifle a laugh now and then if he lets a loud one out, though.  Today, it sounded like he had a goddamn orchestra playing the 1812 overture in his pants (Hyperbole, i know, but man, he was loud today).  I spent the entire afternoon trying to ignore the throbbing in my head, while simultaneously, trying to stifle laughter.  This only made the pressure in my head worse.  It was the exact opposite of "laughter is the best medicine".  Every time he let one go, it made me want to laugh harder, and that made my head hurt more.  

Sometimes i wish that i was more sophisticated, so that farts wouldn't make me laugh, but who would want to live in a world like that.  Not me.  

Part 2: Borderlands 2.

I got Borderlands 2 this Tuesday afternoon.  It is funny, challenging, well designed, and very entertaining.  It is a great game, and i am terribly addicted to it.  It is taking quite a bit of self restraint to keep me away from the xbox as i type...  Self restraint that i don't seem to have at the moment. Remember one post back when i said that i would try to write something each day until borderlands 2 consumed my life?  Yeah, the first step is always admitting that you have a problem.  

-J.

P.S. If for some reason you are offended by potty humor, i apologize for the (approximately) 18 references to flatus in this post.  

P.P.S. I made it through this whole post without using the phrase "Crop Dust".  (19)

EDIT: I would like to clarify one thing.  I am not trying to pick on the farting guy.  I really want to be clear on that.  i am only poking fun at his excessively loud farts and his refusal to acknowledge them.  He is generally an okay guy, he just farts a lot.